How I Almost Became Elementary School Famous

My sisters’ kids and I have always been close. When my husband died more than twenty years ago, I spent nearly every waking hour with them. They were my built-in company, and I became their regular tutor. My sister even paid me for it, probably because she knew homework went down easier when someone else handled the tears, but it made me feel  useful. Tutoring days were a blur of worksheets and long division. They survived. I did too, though the experience added a few highlights to my hair that weren’t from a salon.

I think their favorite time of the school year was my dramatic reading of their class Valentine lists. I used the most over-the-top valley-girl voice I could manage and drew out every vowel like I was auditioning for something. “Britt-nay… Spenc-ahr… Beck-ahhh.” You get the picture. I always thought I could have been a stand-up comedian, and those dramatic Valentine readings only encouraged the fantasy. They laughed at every name I mangled, which gave me the kind of instant validation you don’t usually get from children holding construction-paper hearts.

They’re grown now, but one memory still makes me laugh in a way that probably concerns people. My nephew Ricky was in elementary school when I visited one afternoon. I stood in the kitchen with my sister, talking about this new thing called online shopping. In the early 2000’s, Amazon still felt like a giant bookstore that occasionally wandered into selling other items by accident. I had ordered a few pieces of clothing, and she wanted to know what I did when something didn’t fit.

I wasn’t exactly built for tiny tags and narrow waistbands, so I answered, “Well, I pick a size bigger than I think I need and if it’s a little too big, it’s a bonus!” It was an ordinary sentence, nothing remarkable, yet it sent Ricky into a fit of laughter so dramatic he nearly slid off the chair. He looked at me like I was the most interesting person on earth and asked if he could take me to school for show and tell.

His plan was straightforward. I would sit in the back of the classroom with him and provide a running commentary on his teacher. All day. My talent, apparently, was mockery with heart. He said this with complete sincerity, which made the idea even funnier. I couldn’t imagine a teacher on the planet who would welcome that arrangement, but in his mind, it was a flawless plan.

I still think about that invitation. There was a small part of me that wondered how long I’d last before the teacher asked me to step outside so she could “have a word.” Ricky had complete faith in my abilities. In his mind I was built for live commentary, classroom chaos, and whatever material his teacher provided. I didn’t go, of course, but the fact that he wanted to show me off like a prized action figure still makes me smile.

Aunt with opinions…tutor with a flair for dramatics…accidental (sort of) entertainer. I didn’t end up as a stand-up comedian, but I still manage to entertain them from time to time. At this point, Ricky is the real show. I’ll say something ordinary and he’ll take off on a hysterical rant that has everyone doubled over before I finish a sentence. Somewhere along the way, the student outgrew the tutor and turned into the one who can bring down a whole room.

If anyone in this family belongs on a stage, it’s Ricky. I’m happy holding my coffee on the sidelines, watching him work the crowd I used to think was mine.

A little grace, a little grit, plenty of laughter,

~Stef