I Said What I Said. Mostly.

I have always been guilty of speaking before I think. Not in a reckless way, not in a “this will end badly” way. More in a hopeful, optimistic way, where I trust the first word out of my mouth to know where it’s going.  

It rarely does. My brain moves faster than my filter, and my mouth jumps in early. 

My husband and I have been married a little over five years, which means he has now had ample time to study this pattern. When he asks me a question, I answer immediately, even when the answer clearly requires a moment of reflection that I do not take. 

“So,” he’ll say, “have you ever been to Colorado?” 

“Yes,” I’ll say. Then, almost instantly, “Well, no.” Followed by, “I mean… sort of.” And finally, “Not exactly.” 

At this point, I usually stop talking and wait for the words to rearrange themselves into something accurate. They never do. 

What I mean, of course, is that I once landed in the Denver airport. Briefly. At night. Possibly while asleep. This feels relevant to me in the moment, even though it answers absolutely nothing he asked. 

He never interrupts. He doesn’t ask follow-up questions. He doesn’t try to clarify. He just watches me work through the options out loud, like I’m sorting laundry I should have done privately. When I finally trail off, he laughs and says he’ll just pick his favorite answer. 

This happens with everything. Places I’ve been. Things I’ve done. Food I like. Movies I’ve seen. I give him the entire range, start to finish, whether he asked for it or not. 

I don’t know why I do this. I think part of me believes the truth will reveal itself if I keep talking long enough. Another part of me seems deeply committed to transparency, even when it’s confusing and unhelpful. 

The upside is that he always gets more information than he bargained for. The downside is that very little of it is useful and it rarely actually answers his original question. 

By now, he knows better than to treat my first answer as final. Or my second. Or my third. He waits until I’m done and chooses the version he likes best. 

It’s a system. Not an efficient one, but it works for us.