We Need to Talk About the Scale

I hate dieting.

My philosophy has always been simple: if people don’t love me for who I am on the inside, then I don’t need them. I’m not ridiculously overweight, but I definitely do not weigh what my driver’s license says.

In fact, the last time I renewed it, the woman behind the counter asked, “Do you still weigh 155?”

I nodded confidently. “As far as you know.”

She gave me the slow, skeptical look up and down. You know the one. The “we’re both aware that math is involved here” look.

What does she care? My butt’s not even in the photo. No need to adjust the lens, sister.

Did you know that at the doctor’s office, you don’t actually have to get on the scale?

I know sometimes they need your weight to prescribe medication, but for a sore throat? A sinus infection? He’s a doctor. He can estimate. That’s what all that schooling was for.

My sister refuses to be weighed. Completely refuses. She inspired the rest of us.

You want to know how much I weigh? You’ll have to guess. Guess high, I don’t care. My weight has nothing to do with this cold.

The first time she did it, the nurse just stood there, confused, holding the clipboard like she had lost control of the situation.

I would have paid money to see that.

Years ago, my mom, my sister Kami, and I used to attempt dieting together. Usually something along the lines of Slim-Fast or Weight Watchers.

I’d get a call early in the morning.

Kami: “Mom and I are starting Slim-Fast today. Want to do it with us?”

Me: "Sure!”

Three hours later, another call:

“Mom and I are starving. Want to go to lunch?”

That was usually the end of that.

Once, I won a Wii game system at a company Christmas party; it had a weight-loss program that was supposed to be fun.

You step on.

“Hmph… okay… one of you get off!”

Well, that’s motivating; nothing says encouragement like stepping on a scale in your own living room and being insulted by a cartoon.

The bottom line is, I’m really a perfect size 10; I just keep it covered with fat so it won’t get scratched... dieting is for the birds.